what is home?
we search endlessly for home, but sometimes, we don’t realize that we are the home we’ve been searching for all along.
Growing up, I’ve come to understand that ‘home’ is not really where my house is. It has nothing to do with the roof over my head, the food I eat, or the walls that protect me from the outside world.
Home is the place where my heart beats softly. It’s a safe space where I can feel at peace, where I have no pretenses or expectations. It’s where my soul feels warm and content. It’s where my inner child thrives. It’s the feeling of utter happiness.
When I think about the times I felt at home, I think about my friends, my favorite group of people. Those who understand me deeply and accept me for who I am. Those who know my good and bad sides but choose to stay anyway.
And you know what? It doesn’t even have to be people. My heart also beat softly to the sound of a song, to the words of an author or an artist, to the comfort of a book. That feels like home to me.
Unfortunately, sometimes, home can’t be found in my house. I might feel like a misfit, a stray sheep among my own family. The people who are meant to be my home are instead strangers.
When I try to share my feelings, I’m invalidated. When I try to speak, I’m ignored. At some point, I just feel like a ghost, wandering with no place to go, no home to return to.
The feeling of not having a home, not having a safe space, is like the pain of a thousand needles piercing my heart every single day. It’s a loneliness that’s hard to describe. It’s not the same as being alone. It’s an isolation so strong that it feels like I’ll suffocate.
Being in a lonely home feels like the biggest contradiction. How could I be so lonely… in a house full of people? With my own family? It makes me question my self-worth, my sanity, and my own existence.
It’s so hard to explain to others how it feels. It’s even hard to explain to myself. I’m a walking oxymoron. How do I feel so lost in a place where I’m supposed to be safe and secure? And people don’t really understand. That sucks.
Some people look at me and say, “But you have a good life. You have everything you need. You should be grateful.” And I agree. Logically, I should be grateful. But unfortunately, we live in a world where our feelings are always bigger than our logic.
To never feel at home anywhere, to have no place to call my own – it’s a profound state of limbo. It’s a loneliness that goes beyond being alone. It feels like I’m floating in an endless sea, with no land in sight.
It’s a feeling of homelessness, even when I have a place to sleep, food to eat, and a roof over my head. It’s a detachment from my surroundings, from the people I love, and even from myself.
I walked around like a ghost, passing through rooms, houses, and cities, but never belonged to any of them. There’s no sense of grounding, no place where my roots can take hold. It’s a constant search for something missing, for that one place where I can finally exhale and say, ‘I’m home.’
But where is that elusive home? If the heart is supposed to lead, then why does it seem to be leading me in circles?
I watched others find comfort in their homes, in their families, and in their loved ones, and a pang of envy and confusion washed over me.
Why can’t I feel that way? Why am I the odd one out?
I search for an escape, but everywhere I turn, my reflection stares back at me. I try to run, but I can’t escape my own self.
Home seems elusive, and hope feels distant. It’s a battle between the heart and the mind, a tug-of-war that never seems to end. But somewhere deep within, I cling to a small hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll find that place of peace and contentment.
I am my own greatest enemy, and my own savior. I searched for a place that seems to elude me, a home where my heart can finally rest. In this constant battle within myself, I struggle to find the balance between acceptance and transformation. The journey towards home is a turbulent one, filled with self-doubt and moments of despair. But as I navigate these treacherous waters, I hold onto the faint hope that one day, I will find the safe haven I’ve been yearning for in the depths of myself.
To all those who feel lost in this world, who struggle to find a place they can finally call home, I want you to know that you are not alone. Your heart may feel heavy with longing, but there is still hope. You are a wanderer, but someday, you will find your safe haven. Never lose sight of your heart’s true desires.
